by Dave Kent (Cloudesley Road)

The more I think about it, the more I like the idea of the dog mess detector that I reported on in a recent issue of Bohemia Village Voice [No.28 of Sat 22 July 2006]. Suppose you are on your way to a romantic tryst, clutching a bottle of Cava Brut, and you step in some dog mess on the way. The last thing you want to do is to tread something nasty into the shag pile when you arrive.  You could scrape some of it off on a kerb, perhaps, or try to find an expanse of grass and do a shuffle until your shoe is clean. Unfortunately, grass is getting more and more scarce and, when you do find some, it will probably be festooned with faeces. Thats not so bad during the hours of daylight when you can choose your spot but at night-time, when youre most likely to tread in something,  you could end up totally caked. However, if you travel to your assignation wearing your beetle-powered dog mess detector, you will arrive with a clean pair of shoes and therefore wont soil the carpet and have to go down on all fours for the wrong reason.

MACHINE

For those who would prefer not to keep dung beetles in the house and spend valuable time coaxing them into toe caps before taking a walk, Dr Caleb Haufen and his team are working on a prototype coin-operated dog mess removing machine. You stand on the base and put in your coin (£1, say), then a pair of revolving brushes will clean the underside of your shoes with help from some water which is squirted upwards from a pipe. I cant help feeling, though, that this kind of low-level engineering is a sorry waste of the IWPs great scientific minds, but I suppose any money they make from this can be put towards more high-minded research (mind you, I suppose they are trying to save our soles).

SCRUBBERS

So, keep your eyes peeled for that "Bright Ideas" catalogue that comes through the letterbox, it may not be too long before you can order your toe caps, beetles and vivarium. If you prefer the idea of a wash and brush-up, badger your local councillors and tell them to get scrubbers on the streets as soon as possible. Meanwhile, we best hope that we tread in excrement only during the hours of daylight when we can find a spot of  unsoiled grass, or develop a sudden urge to go house-hunting (estate agents offices tend to be nicely carpeted).