Bohemia Village Voice

Unknown moth. No mothballs here.

Mrs Jo Hunter writes (Jul 2006)

This little fellow turned up on my front door yesterday morning and was still there this afternoon. Anyone know what it is?

Mrs Jo Hunter, St Peter’s Road, Bohemia.

Chris Allis writes (Jul 2006)

I have studied carefully your photograph of the moth that has taken up residence on your door frame and wish to inform you that it is a fine example of the Swallow-Tailed Moth (Ourapteryx sambucaria). The larva feeds mainly on ivy and hawthorn and is so uncannily like a twig that it would be a near miracle if you were to see one. Prof. Chris Allis, Professor Emeritus, Durbuy Institute of Entomology.

Brian Buss writes (Jul 2006)

I was astonished to read a letter from “Professor” Chris Allis in your newsletter [Issue 25, Wed 12 July].  I am convinced that this must be the same Christopher Allis that I met in a local public house last year, although on that occasion  he “professed” to be a dental surgeon rather than an entomologist.  That evening, Mr Allis and I struck up a conversion at the bar and at some point, after several rounds of strong ale, I broke off a crown whilst chewing a pork scratching. Mr Allis informed me that he had recently qualified as a dentist and offered to repair my crown that very night for the sum of £80 – much less, I was told, than another dentist might charge.

I was totally taken in by Mr Allis, and at closing time, he took me back to his bed-sitting room, sat me in a reclining chair, then gave me a large glass of whisky which, he informed me, was in lieu of a conventional anaesthetic and would render me partially oblivious to the filing of my tooth. He then left the room and, after an indefinite period during which the ceiling completed countless revolutions, he returned with a file that appeared to be far too broad for working on a single tooth and looked suspiciously similar to one that I had recently sold at a boot fair at Horntye Park.

I cannot fault Mr Alliss skill as an anaesthetist as I have no recollection whatsoever of what took place after seeing him approach with the aforementioned instrument. However,  the following morning I awoke in my own bed with a terrible hangover and found that I was unable to open my mouth at all. My wife arranged an emergency appointment with a dentist for that afternoon. Although he was unable to free my jaw, he did manage to take a sample of the substance that Mr Allis had used to make the repair and sent it to a laboratory for analysis. It was identified as an adhesive known in the construction industry as “Hard as Nails”.

I shall be taking Mr Allis to court over this matter just as soon as I find a solicitor or barrister willing to take the case. Meanwhile might I suggest that , in future, you check the credentials of your contributors  before publishing.

Wing Commander Brian Buss

[Thanks for the warning Wing Commander – we won’t be fooled again – ed.]

Christopher Allis writes (Jul 2006)

So, Wing Commander Buss questions my qualifications [Bohemia Village Voice 26, 15 July 2006].  Whilst under the influence of what he refers to as something “in lieu of a conventional anaesthetic”, he confessed to me not only that his rank had been bestowed upon him by an aero-modelling club of which he is a member, but also that he was subsequently stripped of this rank having been discovered tampering with a fellow members radio transmitter. I look forward to seeing our intrepid airman laughed out of court. My defence will be that Mr Buss simply got himself so drunk that he mistook a tube of adhesive for some toothpaste. I shall, of course, be conducting my own defence and will not hesitate to produce witnesses who will happily attest to the fact that the Wing Commander has been frequently observed to be “anaesthetised”. Christopher Allis QC