Bohemia Village Voice

Dave Kent writes (Jun 2006)

Lidl Store, Bohemia Road, flower beds. All the shrubbery plants have been cut down and dumped in the skip, along with hundreds of bottles and cans.

According to John Humphries’ recent report, our local Lidl has adopted a zero tolerance policy towards vegetation as the ground beneath the shrubbery had become festooned with refuse that could, says a Lidl’s spokeswoman, attract vermin.

I would like to appeal to residents of the Bohemia area to keep calm and not be tempted into any vigilante-style executions of our fellow creatures.

    I know that many of you will have consulted a dictionary, found a list of organisms under the entry for “vermin” and will be descending upon Lidl’s car park armed with shotguns, machetes (shame on you, there was an amnesty only weeks ago), flame-throwers, blunderbusses, Harquebuses, grenades, rocket launchers, crossbows, slingshots, catapults, toxic sprays, boiling oil, dogs, ferrets, mongooses (mongeese?), falcons and other weapons of mass destruction. I know that you will be driven to this only by your concern for public safety.

      I appeal to you good people of the Bohemia Vermin Vigilantes to lay down your weapon of choice, allow the red mist to settle, and take time to consider the possibly that most, if not all, of the creatures identified by the OED as vermin are either quite harmless to us or unlikely to be encountered in ornamental shrubbery. Before you embark on your deadly mission, please read the following paragraphs which, I hope, will quell your fear-driven bloodlust.

      The OED defines vermin as “mammals and birds injurious to game, crops etc.”. I have made a survey of the area and have found neither game nor crops. After the definition, there follows a list of verminous creatures. Most of these can be exonerated thus:

     Foxes: hardly a problem in the vicinity of Lidl’s, I would have thought.

     Weasels: if you are alarmed by weasels, make an appointment with a specialist.

      Rats: Carriers of Bubonic plague (via their fleas) and Weil’s disease (via their urine). Although I have spotted some Lidl shoppers scratching themselves, they appear to be remarkably free of bubos. Weil’s Disease can be avoided by simply not drinking rat urine (less than four quid for a six-pack).

     Mice: Harmless, rather cute, and a possible staple diet if you can’t afford to shop in Lidl.

     Moles: otherwise known as “beauty spots” and can be a very attractive feature. Can sprout unsightly hairs which need to be trimmed back to skin level (probably need wire snips for this) to maintain the allure. It may be the case that if you repeatedly trim the hairs on a mole, they will grow back even thicker. Lidl may be able to supply a reasonably-priced angle grinder.

      Owls: Beautiful and fascinating birds. The shrubbery is far to low for owls and they are hardly vermin unless you keep free-range voles. If you do keep free-range voles, you should be living in the Forest of Dean where such deviant behaviour (and much other) is commonplace. If you wish to remain in this area, the Sussex Police are planning a vole amnesty for early September. The choice is yours.

      Fleas: You are probably more likely to share fleas with your pet than you are to pick one up at Lidl (hmmmm….this  may require more thought).

      Bugs: otherwise known as Hemiptera; there are two sub-orders: Heteroptera and Homoptera (I know what you’re thinking). Homoptera are all plant-feeders and it’s only one species of Heteroptera that concerns us directly: the Bed Bug. If you take a cavalier attitude towards hygiene,  this little critter will take up residence and suck your blood whilst you sleep off your six-pack of rat widdle. If you can’t be bothered to keep your bedding clean, then you deserve to be exsanguinated. Incidently, Bed Bugs also live in zoos. I shall leave it up to you consider the likelihood of an infestation in the vicinity of Lidl.

      Lice: Not likely to be in the shrubbery waiting to pounce on you, children are a more likely source although there is a particular type of louse which tends to be shared by very sociable adults. A word of advice: never look at a louse, flea or mosquito under a magnifier (especially a mosquito).

      Parasitic worms: Worms are good news in your garden or compost bin. I have met enough nematologists (one) to know that worms are bad news almost everywhere else. It is unlikely that there are worms in this area that are so large they have to hide in shrubbery (which reminds me: I appear to have lost my copy of Freud’s Analysis of Dreams).

      So, go forth and wreak havoc if you must. Keep your powder dry, stay cocked and locked, pull your pins, let loose the hounds of Hell, and let those that die be the lucky ones. But, I implore you, spare the innocent creatures and save your ammunition for those that deserve to be called vermin. Unfortunately, I think you will find that most estate agents and financial advisers shop at M&S or Sainsbury’s, but you may come across the occasional cheapskate.

Fire at will. 

[A further 27 pages were deleted – Ed.]

Catherina Buettner writes (Jun 2006)

I was able to open the Bohemia Village Voice – and the article on the Lidl vermin had me in stitches . . .

Catherina Buettner, Wiesbaden Germany.