Bohemia Village Voice

General Custard

‘I was General Custard and I am going to kill you,’ said the phantom.

‘How?’ said Bert Larkins. ‘You’re a ghost with no body.’

‘Ah,’ said the ghost, ‘I can make me a body.’ Which he promptly did. ‘Now you die.’

‘Hang on, hang on a minute!’ Bert said quickly. ‘I’d hate to have a name like that written as being my killer. Make me look like a coward, you know what I mean: cowardy Custard. Family pride and all that!’

The ghost stood thoughtful before saying ‘Okey then, how about Germayne Cholmondely?’

Equally thoughtful, Bert replied ‘Yes, I like that, sounds posh.’

With a big grin, the ghost said, ‘Right then, I am now Germayne Cholmondely.’

‘Have you truly, truly turned into Germayne Cholmondely?’ Bert asked.

‘Yep,’ said the ghost, ‘absolutely and completely. Now I kill you.’

Bert took a pace back. ‘I don’t think so,’ he said as he pulled out a knife and stabbed the now solid ghost through the heart.

Gasping, the ghost cried out as he died, ‘You can’t do that, I am a ghost already.’

‘No, you’re not, you are Germayne Cholmondely, you just said so. You will have to go back and start all over again, so there! … Goodbye.’

Hello Fred

‘Hello Fred.’

‘Hello Ted.’

‘How’s Jed?’

‘Jed’s dead’

‘Jed’s dead?’

‘Jed’s dead.’

‘Thought he’d wed.’

‘Same as dead!’

‘Enough said.’

‘So long Fred.’

‘So long Ted.’

Sergeant Murphy

‘You shouldn’t be here,’ said St Peter. Sergeant Murphy replied ‘Oi know soir. But I was sent into no-man’s land to bring back a prisoner for questioning and found six enemy soldiers in a shell hole. Quickly I took out a hand grenade and threw it amongst them. Seeing it coming they went over the top loik scalded cats, except one, he tripped and stunned himself. The grenade didn’t go off. Oi laughed my flippin’ head off. You see oi’d topped up my pouch with practice grenades by mistake. Still I had my prisoner, oi could go back. Marching him into our lines, the officer said, ‘Good work sergeant, how did you do it?’ ‘Easy soir’, I said. ‘Deciding to show him how and give everyone a good laugh. I took out a grenade, pulled the pin and dropped it on the ground. They didn’t half move, oi laughed my head off soir.’ Murphy stopped for a minute. ‘Well, did your comrades enjoy the joke?’ ‘Well, oi don’t really know soir.’ Murphy avoided St Peter’s eye. ‘Well? And why are you standing like that?’ said St Peter. ‘Well Soir I made a mistake and threw one of the live grenades left in the pouch.’ ‘Why didn’t you run like the others then?’ St Peter continued. From his head under his arm Murphy said, ‘Ah, I didn’t pay attention. Oi must have lost my head for a moment loike oi just said when oi tried to pick it up.’