{"id":27852,"date":"2007-02-01T16:30:56","date_gmt":"2007-02-01T16:30:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.bohemiavillage.com\/?p=27852"},"modified":"2013-09-10T16:36:57","modified_gmt":"2013-09-10T15:36:57","slug":"peter-t-alexander-short-story-competition-2007","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.bohemiavillage.com\/?p=27852","title":{"rendered":"Peter T Alexander – Short Story Competition 2007"},"content":{"rendered":"

General Custard<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\u2018I was General Custard and I am going to kill you,\u2019 said the phantom.<\/p>\n

\u2018How?\u2019 said Bert Larkins. \u2018You\u2019re a ghost with no body.\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018Ah,\u2019 said the ghost, \u2018I can make me a body.\u2019 Which he promptly did. \u2018Now you die.\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018Hang on, hang on a minute!\u2019 Bert said quickly. \u2018I\u2019d hate to have a name like that written as being my killer. Make me look like a coward, you know what I mean: cowardy Custard. Family pride and all that!\u2019<\/p>\n

The ghost stood thoughtful before saying \u2018Okey then, how about Germayne Cholmondely?\u2019<\/p>\n

Equally thoughtful, Bert replied \u2018Yes, I like that, sounds posh.\u2019<\/p>\n

With a big grin, the ghost said, \u2018Right then, I am now Germayne Cholmondely.\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018Have you truly, truly turned into Germayne Cholmondely?\u2019 Bert asked.<\/p>\n

\u2018Yep,\u2019 said the ghost, \u2018absolutely and completely. Now I kill you.\u2019<\/p>\n

Bert took a pace back. \u2018I don\u2019t think so,\u2019 he said as he pulled out a knife and stabbed the now solid ghost through the heart.<\/p>\n

Gasping, the ghost cried out as he died, \u2018You can\u2019t do that, I am a ghost already.\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018No, you\u2019re not, you are Germayne Cholmondely, you just said so. You will have to go back and start all over again, so there! \u2026 Goodbye.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hello Fred<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\u2018Hello Fred.\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018Hello Ted.\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018How\u2019s Jed?\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018Jed\u2019s dead\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018Jed\u2019s dead?\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018Jed\u2019s dead.\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018Thought he\u2019d wed.\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018Same as dead!\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018Enough said.\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018So long Fred.\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018So long Ted.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Sergeant Murphy<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\u2018You shouldn\u2019t be here,\u2019 said St Peter. Sergeant Murphy replied \u2018Oi know soir. But I was sent into no-man\u2019s land to bring back a prisoner for questioning and found six enemy soldiers in a shell hole. Quickly I took out a hand grenade and threw it amongst them. Seeing it coming they went over the top loik scalded cats, except one, he tripped and stunned himself. The grenade didn\u2019t go off. Oi laughed my flippin\u2019 head off. You see oi\u2019d topped up my pouch with practice grenades by mistake. Still I had my prisoner, oi could go back. Marching him into our lines, the officer said, \u2018Good work sergeant, how did you do it?\u2019 \u2018Easy soir\u2019, I said. \u2018Deciding to show him how and give everyone a good laugh. I took out a grenade, pulled the pin and dropped it on the ground. They didn\u2019t half move, oi laughed my head off soir.\u2019 Murphy stopped for a minute. \u2018Well, did your comrades enjoy the joke?\u2019 \u2018Well, oi don\u2019t really know soir.\u2019 Murphy avoided St Peter\u2019s eye. \u2018Well? And why are you standing like that?\u2019 said St Peter. \u2018Well Soir I made a mistake and threw one of the live grenades left in the pouch.\u2019 \u2018Why didn\u2019t you run like the others then?\u2019 St Peter continued. From his head under his arm Murphy said, \u2018Ah, I didn\u2019t pay attention. Oi must have lost my head for a moment loike oi just said when oi tried to pick it up.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

General Custard \u2018I was General Custard and I am going to kill you,\u2019 said the phantom. \u2018How?\u2019 said Bert Larkins. \u2018You\u2019re a ghost with no body.\u2019 \u2018Ah,\u2019 said the ghost, \u2018I can make me a body.\u2019 Which he promptly did. \u2018Now… Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":27,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"spay_email":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false},"categories":[153],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bohemiavillage.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27852"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bohemiavillage.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bohemiavillage.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bohemiavillage.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/27"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bohemiavillage.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=27852"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/www.bohemiavillage.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27852\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":27854,"href":"http:\/\/www.bohemiavillage.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27852\/revisions\/27854"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.bohemiavillage.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=27852"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bohemiavillage.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=27852"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.bohemiavillage.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=27852"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}